Depression: The battle between my head and my heart

I am not generally someone who talks about mental health when it’s associated with myself. However, I’m in a new space in my life physically and mentally and feel now is the right time. It’s very close to my heart and even though I still work hard to fight the stigma, I’m scared to let people know how I truly feel sometimes. So I will write it here, where I can’t hide it anymore. It is not who I am, but it has made me a better person.

When I was younger, I was diagnosed with depression and more recently anxiety (Anxiety is such a head fuck). I was offered counselling throughout my time in high school up until university. Never really stuck with it, it wasn’t exactly something I thought I had or something people should think I have. Depression does not exist where I come from, only strength.

Lack of education on the matter made me think depression was something dramatic, OTT and ridiculous like on TV. I thought I would be shipped off to an asylum and never get a boyfriend (lol my thought process at the time).

Here is what I know now about depression from experience:

• You feel completely numb: You can put a smile on you face; laugh when appropriate but you feel no joy. You can’t feel anything
• Numbness progresses to pain: I’ve felt so much pain in the past, that it paralysed me. Every cell in my body wept but it wasn’t apparent. The power of the mind is unfathomable
• Self-destructive: In the past I destroyed so many good friendships/relationships because subconsciously I didn’t think I deserved them. Clung on to people who did not deserve my friendship or love. Only recently, I have distinguished the difference
• You don’t care anymore: Investing in oneself is a key indicator, not just buying fancy clothes but, tidying up, not looking dishevelled and having pride in yourself. I lost all of that at one point (a few points I cannot lie). Didn’t try to excel academically anymore, gave up on the things I loved, gave up on my dreams. Just stopped believing in myself entirely
• Suicidal thoughts: I’ve lost count the amount of times I’ve felt so numb I didn’t see the point in living or felt so much pain I just wanted to end it
• You can live with it: There are highs and many lows. I’ve learnt to live with it. I’ve taught myself when I’m feeling low it is not necessarily the problem that has triggered it but the fact that I’m always going to take things much harder than everyone else. Pain is only temporary; there are so many things to live for
• You are not alone: There are people who seem like they have their whole life kissed by an angel, but suffer internally. Depression is far more common than you think. Getting support from people who feel the way I feel changed my life completely. To that special person, I thank God for you everyday

I used to think I was defective; that I didn’t deserve to be happy because I wouldn’t know what happiness was if it slapped me in the face. I was so scared to be vulnerable (I still am, I’m a work in progress) because to be rejected after showing someone exactly who you are would break me.

I’m here to tell you, this has happened to me. I was rejected after revealing who I really was to someone, flaws and all. There is nothing like it, it’s like every nerve end in my body died. Yet the drive to keep going was stronger than ever, the will of fire was reborn. While it may have taken longer than I would’ve liked to get over, I got over it. I’m still here. I made it. Some people will never understand depression or understand you, but that’s okay. Life goes on.

Do not be discouraged by others to share your truth. There is nothing like telling someone how you feel and they respond with “don’t be so dramatic”. Do not ever let anyone play down how you feel because they do not have the capacity to understand. How you feel is your truth, no one can change that.

I’ve learnt so much so far in my life, that being vulnerable doesn’t mean you’re a weak person. It displays something much stronger than pride, it’s the ability to accept yourself truly for who you are no matter what people think. I won’t let depression or anxiety slow me down or will hide it anymore and I hope whoever reads this feels inspired to do the same.

I’m always happy to talk to anyone if they are suffering, drop me a message. I won’t bite, promise!

 

 

 

 

A year later…

I took a step back from blogging, for a while now. For the handful of you who read my blog, I apologise for not posting frequently. It’s been a whirlwind of a year and I forgot how therapeutic it is to write about your feelings and stuff. I’ve been holding it in being all emo.

Good news, I successfully graduated with a decent grade (2:1), woohoo. I also live in a decent flat and I have a job in PR, not quite Samantha from Sex & The City but getting there. It’s been mad how much you can achieve once you put the effort in.

Things can change so rapidly in a short space of time but your mind is still in the same place, wondering how shit got so real all of a sudden. Although I am in a better place than I was a few months ago (Lawd it was tough), adulthood is fucking difficult. I‘ve had enough. Take me back to university; where there was a party every other night, and I could sleep in until 1pm on a weekday.

There are things school or even your family do not teach and prepare you for and unfortunately, this year I have learnt about the following:

• It’s true when they say the first year out of university will be the hardest:
  • I’ve never been so broke in my life
  • Up to my elbows in debt (considering to make a gofundme page, dead ass)
  • No one wants to hire a grad (another lesson learned the hard way)
  • Internships and entry-level jobs are fucked up (living off minimum wage or 18-21k per annum while still living in London and travelling to zone 1 is a frigid bitch)

• The value of having a good credit score (the hard way):
  • Credit cards were invented by the devil
  • Payday loans are the devil’s work
  • Nobody wants you to buy a home unless you have a hefty trust fund or sugar daddy (working on that one)
  • Register to vote, ALWAYS – your credit score will thank you

• Money is legit the bane of my existence:
  • I have been demoted to rocking 1b hair because dying virgin hair black is not cost effective – yes I feel like a basic bitch at the moment, but no I will never wear remy, times will never be that hard
  • I get excited over vouchers – sad, I know
  • If there’s a way I can get a free meal, trust me, I will get it
  • I don’t shop as much as I used to, if at all
  • Utility bills are a fucking joke – paying for electricity and gas should be illegal and paying for water makes me mad

• Pensions, life insurance, and health insurance are actually kind of legit:
  • I see why the oldies go ape shit over this stuff – especially dental, it’s fucking extortion

• Do not do a house share with friends:
  • If you and your friend are not on the same page, your closest friends could be your enemy by the end of the lease
  • You do not know someone until you live with them – the realest shit you will ever read

• Living on your own:
  • DON’T FUCKING DO IT – seriously, at least don’t until you have enough savings for a rainy day and making a certain amount of money per month, it’s hard out here for a pimp

• Use your free time wisely:
  • Unfortunately I can’t see my friends as much because everyone’s so busy – also, I don’t want my friends to know I’m actually suffering either, I’m an independent woman after all
  • Hobbies help – the gym helped me become healthier and eased my anxiety a lot – Also writing this post helped a lot, it’s about finding what gives you purpose

• The 20s are the loneliest years you are going to experience
  • My friends are trying to sort their own lives out too, and while the struggle is real, this transition has to be done alone
  • The pressure to couple up and start a family is far too intense – especially considering there’s no one out there for me 😦
  • I wouldn’t dare tell my family what’s really going on, after all, I am an adult now

• SAVE SAVE SAVE
  • Trust me don – saving is where it’s at

• Let go of people who will hold you back
  • I think this is a very important lesson to be learnt – even if it hurts like hell
  • I’ve lost friendships with people I never thought I would this year (the term ‘BFF’ is used so loosely in my generation) – but if they are only hindering your wellbeing and state of mind, cut ‘em loose, if they’re really your friends they will understand and change – not for you, but for themselves
  • Watch out for those who claim they want the best for you but don’t support you in your endeavours – snakes, the lot of ’em

There’s so much more to add to that list but this is all I can think of. As I said previously, it has been a tough journey and it may even get tougher but all hardships are temporary. In order for anyone to get through tough times, it just has to be embraced, knowing there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Something even I forgot until I just wrote it.

For anyone going through the transition, hope this post helps. xoxo

Why Is It Hard To Believe You Can Be Happy and Single?

You know when you tell your non-single friends how happy you are being able figure yourself out on your own, do you ever notice the glint of pity in their eyes when they look at you? Well I have. It’s something that I have been noticing more and more often as my friends’s relationship gets stronger as each day passes and all I can do is complain that I’m bored of one guy and move on to the next probable disappointment. All they can do is feel pity for me, because they have been lucky enough to find someone in their lives and wish I had the same.

But fear not friends! I don’t want to be in a relationship at the moment, not that the idea isn’t a nice one, I would love to meet someone however… Relationships are too difficult to deal with, as if life isn’t hard enough. I still have to graduate, find a place to live, start a career and continue being fabulous all at the same time. The last thing I can think about is being and maintaining a relationship. So kudos to those that can do it all at once. I toast to you guys at any bar of my choosing since you know, I can do that, since I have you know, freedom.

Now, on to the perks of being single. Lol. There are many perks, so many that some of you single people don’t even realise you have. Such as complete and utter freedom.

Oh freedom, people have been fighting for it for years, it is a great thing. Not saying you lose complete freedom when you get into a relationship, but you have obligations to your partner. If you’re partner doesn’t like you going out, you have to take their feelings into consideration. If you suddenly get a job of a lifetime but its based in a different continent, you have figure out what to do, with your partner. That sort of burden can make or break you, which is why I’m super glad to be free of that.

Being selfish. Selfishness is a negative connotation even I don’t like, to be completely selfish is a cold hearted thing to become, however in the context of being single it’s actually very positive. My decisions will be decisions I make completely to benefit myself and it would not affect anyone else. I can sleep in the starfish position in my bed and take all the covers, I do as I please because I have no one to please but myself. Yay, If you know me, you know I find it difficult letting people down, I hate the feeling of hurting someone because I cannot do something for them or break promises and that feeling of letting someone down that you love is crushing. So being single is a breath of fresh air for me because this means you don’t have to let that other person down, you can decide what you want to do and that decision is best for you.

Dating. Dating is a lot of fun once you get the hang of it (took me a while but I got there in the end), a fun new way to do recreational activities and try new things whilst getting to know someone. Now you can’t do that when you are in a relationship. You’re restricted to one person only, and that to me seems really boring at this present time.

Now, baring in mind you have a mindset similar to myself, being single is like a walk in the park and sure sometimes I would like a significant other but the fact of the matter is, I don’t feel some type of way towards anybody romantically and to force that feeling on to somebody just so that I’m not alone is ridiculous. If you’re seeking a relationship, please know the difference, it can spare a lot of heartache along the way.

So many single people look for love in somebody that is just not there, just because they feel a bit lonely or insecure and honestly if you feel like that, finding somebody will not fill the void, if anything it may even get worse. It is self destructive and unfortunately for some if you want to fill the void, you’re going to have to get over that on your own.

Reading this, some of you that are in relationships may not agree with some of the things I’m saying, and you would happily give up anything for your partner. However the difference between me and you is simple, you’re in love and I’m not, well, except with myself. I’m pretty sure I would be willing to give up a lot of things being single has to offer, and I would be happy doing so, however I have not met anyone worth such a sacrifice and I take relationships seriously. I have been thinking way too much about my goals to even notice anybody seriously. I think being in a relationship is beautiful however being single gives you clarity, it is a faster path to reach self actualisation and in order to be happy with someone, you need to learn to be happy on your own.

Don’t get me wrong though, if you feel similar to me and you’re not single, I’m very worried about you. You shouldn’t be in a relationship if you feel restricted or want to date other people, you should want to be with that person because you genuinely want to, not just someone to pass the time or the fact that you’re too scared to be alone. You should and want to be devoted to your significant other and if you don’t feel that way? You need to join me and the rest of us singletons down a path of eternal bliss and selfishness.

The Modern Woman’s New Aspiration: How To Be A Bad Bitch

I watched Love and Hip Hop recently, and as each week goes by, it infuriates me more and more. In the last two episodes, two women have degraded themselves internationally for one man, one very old unattractive man, because they want his attention and affection. This man is a self proclaimed “creep” and these women still go for him. He tells one of them he’ll take her to the bathroom and knock her socks off or whatever he said and this bird actually goes and has sex with him in the bathroom but her only request was that his mic was turned off, as if that made the situation any better. The other one tells him she’ll go and suck his defecating penis, ON TELEVISION. Oh Lawdy.

I can’t even pretend that I don’t watch mindless dribble like Love and Hip Hop, Basketball Wives and similar things of that nature. Or that I don’t keep up with celebrity urban news and know what Kim Kardashian wore to the Louis Vuitton show for Paris Fashion Week (it was diabolical by the way, why does Kanye dress her as if she can pull off runway looks) but I honestly keep up to date with celebrity news and reality shows only to remind myself of how sane I am and to be quite honest, it is very entertaining. Unfortunately, most people do not think like I do, they watch Love and hip hop and aspire to be like them. They see a pretty girl fighting over a man and they think “good for her standing her ground” instead of them thinking “how unbecoming of a woman to fight not only in public but it being covered internationally”. They would watch a girl tell a man on a television show, that she would suck his dick in the bathroom and think “go ‘head girlfriend, she goes for what she wants” when in reality, it is the most cheapest thing a woman could do to herself. But that all part of being a “bad bitch”.

Now what exactly is a bad bitch? I’m not quite sure, I hear it in the songs I like and they usually associate with a beautiful stripper with a massive ass, or someone who would go home with a man on the same night as meeting them. Now, I don’t judge, I feel make your money how you can, pole dancing is quite good exercise,  and quite frankly, it’s not my business. But this glorification of being promiscuous and showing twerking on the ‘gram for likes is just baffling. I follow Amber Rose (for entertainment value and I can’t even pretend, she has a smashing figure) and she is getting her self help book published titled, which is appropriately called “How To Be A Bad Bitch”. Oh, fix it Jesus. What’s even sadder, there will be thousands of girls who will buy her book in hopes to be like her. A woman who is in gruesome custody battle with her frail ex husband however she is hosting club nights around the world twerking for that cheque instead of laying low and taking care of her son. Is this the sort of example you want your peers or even your children to live by? As beautiful as she is, she is a hot ass mess announcing her issues with her life and others via social media and other media outlets instead really evaluating her life. But she’s a bad bitch, she doesn’t give two fucks, so whatever. Fuck the haters, apparently.

The modern woman should, in my opinion, aspire to be successful and independent. Women didn’t struggle, suffer from droopy boobs when burning their bras just so you can aspire to be some rapper’s baby mama.

What infuriates me more that it’s an ever growing culture in the urban community. You know how hard it is being black in Western society alone? Now lets add the fact you’re black and a woman as well. I work super hard making sure people take me seriously because I am much more than what I physically look like and then some idiot will twerk the way into oblivion and apparently that’s the perfect woman. Sigh, as if I don’t have enough struggles already to make it life. Let me not pretend, a weaker version of myself almost fed into it, I almost believed if I wanted a man or some sort of recognition for my abilities I should be a “bad bitch”. It was a dark time for me, lol. I look back now and want to slap the shit out of my former self. There is so much more to myself and so much to women in general than the jiggle our asses and our hip to waist ratio.

What annoys me even more is that, this is what men now go for, the submissive woman who wears little to nothing and has over 1000 likes on Instagram. When men meet me they call me intimidating and blunt because I won’t stand for mediocrity and apparently that is a bad thing. I didn’t realise being a strong independent woman was a bad thing… Maybe for my prospects because honey, I’ll be okay with or without you. Apparently if I don’t have curly hair and mixed with a different ethnicity I shouldn’t be too picky. Really?

I think the modern woman’s goals are just all over the place. To think you have to be just a wife of someone famous as an aspiration is infuriating and even worse in order to get a “baller” or a “shot caller” you have to degrade yourself entirely. Also please, just because you have a following on Intsagram for your rump ass does not make you a model, FYI.

Is there such thing as “The Perfect Partner?”

I went to a friend’s gathering the other night, it was interesting to say the least. Had an intriguing conversation with a group of friends and of course it lead to the topic of relationships. It has never been more apparent how age and lack of experience can affect your mindset.  To have certain aspects in a partner is acceptable but to seek perfection in a partner is impossible. Sorry, unless your partner is an android I think you’re going to have a hard time finding someone, and NO its not settling its being realistic. When speaking to both men and women who currently reside in delusion land, their list of perfect attributes to a man/woman are the following:

Men want: an educated virgin who is a freak in the sheets, with street smarts, ride or die, ambitious but will be a housewife and can cook every dish ever invented.  Let us not forget a banging body with an unrealistic size ass and boobs.

Women want: a rich educated thug, who is intimidating but treats his woman like gold. Lots of tattoos but has a corporate job. Really tall as well, and has a lot of muscles, ambitious but spends all of their time with you.

Lol

Unfortunately you can’t have all of these qualities in a partner, and if you keep searching for it you’re going to be very disappointed and overlook the person who had the most potential to be with you in the first place. I am going to break down exactly what is wrong with each attribute.

In terms of men, to be a virgin and a freak is an oxymoron and borderline impossible. There is nothing wrong with being educated and having street smarts to be honest, but to expect someone who is educated, with street smarts and also ambitious to stay at home and be a house wife is insanity. Not saying some women wouldn’t do it or its a bad thing but I can honestly say I’m three of those things and I have no intention of working my ass off to be somebody’s housewife. Cooking, I mean I feel men and women alike should know how to cook, its a basic skill for survival, but not everybody is Nigella Lawson. Although living off tinned food is not a good look either. Then there is the whole thing with aesthetics that just kills me. Some women have got it naturally and good on them, some women have worked extremely hard to look aesthetically pleasing, I’m not mad at them either but for those who aren’t born with conventional good looks or has a figure 8 body, should not be ridiculed because beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the long term affects it has on a woman is frightening. Men have a massive impact on how women see themselves which is why I read stories on girls dying because they had botched surgery to have a big ass, or look like trouts because they wanted bigger lips or their breasts have exploded. Its sad to read, women will do what they want but as a man, you should never let a woman feel less beautiful just because they do not have certain qualities. It is very catty.

Now women, the more deluded of the two genders in my opinion, a rich educated thug… really? I never understood that crime culture, I fed into it when I was younger but I never really grasped the concept of how having your partner as a criminal would be pleasing. When will you women realise Bonnie and Clyde is just a movie, to ride or die for a criminal is literal; ride with him all the way to prison and wait for him or die for him. Is that the sort of life you want to have? Watching over your back, scared of a police raid, the possibility of you and your partner facing imprisonment. To me that’s all dead. It’s a fast life, you get rich fast, you live fast, money goes fast, you die fast and what do you have to show for it? I have friends talking about (if they haven’t already) having kids with their partner who is running the streets. Sigh, is that the sort of environment where you want to bring up children? The probability of your child not even having a father is incredibly high and the lifestyle is not secure enough at all. To me, that is so selfish and absolutely stupid. Generally I like a manly man who stands their ground but treats me and other females with respect so I can agree with that point entirely, however you can’t want an ambitious man but expect all of their attention to be on you. It doesn’t make sense. Starting and pursuing a career takes a lot of time and effort and unfortunately you will not be the only priority, and if you feel a sense of neglect, it’s either because your partner cannot juggle his commitments or quite frankly, you’re not busy enough. You can’t use all your time on one person, especially if they’re not using all of their time on you. There is nothing more unattractive than a woman who has no prospects and shapes their life around their partner’s. What if something happens? What do you have to show for it? Can you pick yourself and be okay by yourself?

I mean I have been victim to having delusion land syndrome and also felt the harsh affects of not being perfect for someone I cared about. Both scenarios made me very unhappy. To seek perfection is all you’ll ever be doing, seeking. You will always be looking and never finding anyone or anything. Although I don’t believe you can search for your potential partner anyway. But being looked over or being ridiculed because I wasn’t perfect was a real blow to my confidence, especially because I knew and even that person knew I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that’s not me tooting my horn that’s real facts. (Snap, snap)

To be honest, a lot of people who tell me their long lists of things they look for in a partner are generally not doing anything for themselves, they’re not the catch of the day, they’re not even a catch. How can you want so many things in a partner when you have absolutely nothing going for yourself? It boggles the mind. How can you want a man that’s a CEO but you probably don’t even know what a CEO stands for? How can you want a woman that lives in the gym and takes care of herself but the circumference of your belly is larger than Big Ben? I think if you want the best partner for yourself you have to be the best you can be on your own.

Relationships: When It’s Time to Stop playing Games

I’m a very straight forward person, I know what I want and I’m not afraid to tell you, okay? So what I hate more than anything in the world is when some dumb dumb has decided to fuck about. It’s already hard enough for me to take anyone seriously so if you’re playing games, or you’re feeling unsure on what you want? Leave it. I’m not interested.

Why do we make things harder for each other? As if the fear of rejection isn’t enough, I have to worry about why you haven’t called me back, or why you’ve read my whatsapp and still continued to ignore me. I know traditionally, the whole ‘treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen’ works, but I’m too impatient for that stuff now. Any sign of disrespect, I’m off.

One guy I used to see, used to try that with me, bless him. He was a part of these group of associates I know that go for one certain type of girl and let me tell you, I am no where near that type of female. Plus, they had this strange God complex, they thought they were better than everybody else, and what annoyed me more was, so many people, male and female alike played into it. This guy would see me out and act like he didn’t know me, so I would just continue having a great time, and he hated it. So anyway, he used to message me at inappropriate times, so i wouldn’t get back to him straight away, so he would hound me with incessant whatsapp messages like “?” “????” and when I finally replied he would take about 2 days to respond. Then make out like he had free time for me so I should make time for him. Lol. He’s been waiting for my reply for about 2 months now.

A couple of years ago, I would have been all over him like white on rice. I would’ve cyber stalked him until no end. However, times have changed. I have too much self respect and regard myself too highly to even consider lowering my standards for some flighty guy, even if he is cute. Why are you giving me so much problems and you’re not even my man?

Men and women both complain that they cant take each other seriously, you ever thought maybe because your actions are not serious? Taking over 4 hours to reply to someone, especially when you’ve seen it and read it, doesn’t make you seem busy, it makes you rude. Getting mad if your prospect isn’t all over you is childish and also taking them for granted when they finally want to spend x amount of time with you is pathetic. If you don’t like someone, then just say. It’ll hurt their feelings but not for half the amount of time it would hurt if you strung them along. Don’t be a people pleaser. People can call me a bitch, a prick or even emotional but one thing they can’t call me is a liar.

So many girls and guys will make out to their friends like this person they’re seeing ‘ain’t shit’ because they’re interested, they text you regularly, try to make time for you and yet… This is how you treat them? Like an untrained puppy begging for attention?

Then these same people will complain why they aren’t in a relationship, and just in case you’re still wondering, its because you’re a dick. An immature person who can’t understand the difference between desperation and maturity.

I know you all can relate, we’ve either been that person being taken for a dickhead or we’ve been that prick, treating a certain someone badly. Being in either position just lowers your self esteem and its not worth it. You shouldn’t be dictated by one person and you shouldn’t let someone put you on a pedestal.

If I like someone, which is rarity nowadays, I’m not in it for the games. I’ll tell you how I feel, I’ll make the time for you, I’ll try to make it work, out of interest and out of respect. So when I don’t get that in return? Well… Its not pretty. I’m not a mug, and I will let you know.

I read this lovely article on Will and Jada Smith, about how their relationship is bigger than just husband and wife, they have a love and respect that trumps the traditional values of a relationship. That’s what I look for, not a traditional relationship, but a grown relationship.

I’m sick of this will they or won’t they teen angst I get when getting to know new people. I’m not a part of 90210. I’m too old for this shit. I see it everyday, beautiful men and women acting like a damn fool for some man/woman who may love them but definitely do not respect them, and I think in all relationships, respect is just as important as love, if one of those components are not there, it just does not work. I know a couple of people I love, but I do not respect. So I’ve done them a favour and stayed clear.

What makes me really sad, some adults have not even had that personal growth, these are still primary worries when it comes to relationships and that’s the worst part. All these self help books on how to trap a man/woman, battle of the sexes is bullshit to me. If you like someone and they like you back, that’s enough. I don’t need to hop on one foot each morning and not call you back for a couple of days to get you to be with me, you should want to be with me because you think I’m a delightful person, and if you don’t? Don’t waste my time, there are plenty fish in the sea and I want to catch a sea bass, not some dead sardine stuck to a rock.

I know that every situation is different and relationships are not as black and white as I would like it to be, but at the same time, if you’re not sure about someone, do not waste their time. It’s easier said than done, but at the end of the day, you are making that person emotionally unavailable, its unfair, they could be happier with somebody else. No matter how you slice it, It’s a selfish act. Also you need to have enough strength to let someone go if you are not being treated the way you wish to be, don’t be that dickhead. Trust me, I’ve been that dickhead and it took me a long time to get over the bullshit, but when enough was enough, I let that person go. It’s true what they say ‘If you love someone, set them free’, they could be doing so much more with their time than waiting around for you.

Feminism: Are They Just Man-Hating Unkempt Women Who Oppress Other Women For Looking Decent?

I consider myself a feminist, and if you know me well enough you know how I feel in terms of equality. I do not feel a woman should be defined by a man by any means, I feel she should be able to stand on her own two feet, have self worth and a man should strengthen her empire. At the same time, I love make up, a good weave and keep up with fashion trends. The other day I was told that doesn’t make me a feminist because of the way I look and take care of myself. This person is a self proclaimed feminist promoting the society she was apart of. I found what she said to be, complete and utter bullshit.

Just because I exclaim from time to time my eyebrows are on ‘fleek’ and take a billion selfies a week does not mean I have no self worth, or that my intentions of wearing make up and whatever else is to catch a man. Why is it so hard to believe I want to look nice for my own piece of mind? Or that my idea of beauty is similar to what we see in the media.

What defines me is not by how I look or how I want to look but what I aspire to be, intellectually and professionally. Some of these bra burners have completely missed the mark on what feminism is and I just want to refresh everyone’s brains on what that is.

What is Feminism?

According to Oxford dictionaries the definition of feminism is:

The advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.

Right, we should be EQUAL to men. That does not mean I shouldn’t have to shave my legs or wear a bra because I’m equal to men, or wear make up to feel desirable for men. Feminism is the ideology that I should have a CHOICE in what I want to do, just like a man has been able to since the beginning of time.

Yet, other women knock each other down constantly, I can’t tell you the amount of times women have tried to knock me down a peg or two because of either not conforming to be desirable for men or putting in the extra effort to look presentable and knowing it.

I watched this former page 3 model being interviewed on channel 4 news a few weeks ago and I was pleasantly surprised to see she held her own. The feminist that was interrogating her struggled for a rebuttal because this page 3 girl made an argument you just cant argue with. IT WAS HER CHOICE TO MODEL FOR PAGE 3. Sure, there are women being exploited all over the world and I feel truly sorry for them, there are countries where there is no equality for women and it still shocks me that in 2015 women are being killed for defending themselves from getting raped. That doesn’t mean some women cant use their bodies for exposure, because at the end of the day it’s their choice. We should be fighting for the women who don’t even have a choice on what to wear, how to behave instead of ridiculing women who choose to exploit their bodies.

Someone told me Beyonce wasn’t a feminist. Lets forget the fact I’m apart of her ‘Beyhive’ and think about what she promotes. All of her songs are about the empowerment of women, we should celebrate her accomplishments instead of insulting her on her outfit choices. It’s her job to dress that way. She is a performer after all.

Some new age feminists feel that because you choose to sell sex means you are weak willed, when in fact that simply isn’t the case, in fact doing so in certain industries it makes you thrive.

The idea of feminism has changed, just because you don’t like to comb your hair often, shower daily or shave your armpits doesn’t make you anymore of a feminist than I am, it makes you unhygienic.

Don’t get me wrong, there is more to feminism to what I’m ranting about, but so many people buy into an ideology without really understanding what it’s about, it’s annoying to listen to people with such strong opinions but have no real idea on what they are talking about.

I think true feminists have paved the way for women to  have a voice, get into the career of their choosing and feel more than just a walking womb. There is more to us women than being a wife or a mother, we have the ability to pick and choose to be either a mother or pursue a career. I salute those who accomplish both. Yet we as women would rather bring each other down than build us up. A house wife will look down on a career driven women and vice versa. Why?!

I myself plan to become a career driven women but will I look down on another woman who chooses to have a more traditional approach to life? Hell no! It’s not my life, it’s theirs. Why do I have to worry about that?

Back to my original thought, the reason why these feminists look down on women similar to me is not based on feminism itself but the fact women have been tearing other women down since the dawn of time. You women secretly always want what you can’t have, your insecurities and emotions blind you. It’s a damn shame. In this world of hard knocks there is not enough time to worry about what other women are doing, and this can be generalised for anyone. Stop worrying about what other people are doing, if you want to do something stop worrying about what other people think.

Racial Stereotypes and How We Conform: Is ‘Keeping it Real’ Really Worth It?

I am one of those black girls that used to get heckled at school for liking things that weren’t really ‘normal’ for a black person. I listened to artists like Linkin’ Park, liked a lot of eyeliner, loved anime (still do, no one can change that, many have tried) and discovered black nail polish before it became a massive trend. In that sense, I was a target. It didn’t really affect me much except I had a dying need to fit in which probably was my downfall, I’ve learnt the hard way caring about what other people think of you makes you weak. I myself conformed to the stereotype at one point in my life and honestly, it didn’t do shit for me.

Why do we as black people do this to ourselves? I’ve lost count the amount of people who decided to ‘keep it real’ and are either in prison or still on the same estate, hustling, apparently. If you know where I used to live, you know it’s virtually impossible unless you bring the drama to yourself.

Why do we as a black community beg for equality but yet knock down the ones who use the ‘equality’ we have now to better themselves? The amount of people who would look at me now and say I’ve changed is astonishing, as if it’s a negative connotation. Sorry love, I’m not the same person reciting lyrics from videos I watched off of Channel U, and looked for trouble when really I should’ve been doing my best to better myself.  I consider myself, a strong educated black woman, so if you think I’ve changed? You damn right I have, why would I want to be 24 year old woman with the mentality of an 18 year old girl?

Considering the background I have, I should’ve been a loser, everything I have experienced in the past should’ve knocked me down but it made me strong, it made me seek a better sense of self. So when I see some of the black community conform to the stereotypes the media put us in, it saddens me, all in hopes of ‘keeping it real’.  Think about the ‘London Riots’, I know for a fact the general public didn’t even realise it started out was a peaceful protest for the unlawful killing of Mark Duggan, this poor man’s life was sensationalised to seem like he was a thug, and what do we do as a black community? We came together, only to loot and destroy buildings all over London. What does that say to the world about us?

Keeping it real won’t pay the bills honey, nor will it make our parents proud. I see some these people’s parents, they worked hard to put a roof over their children’s heads, make sure they went to school, had the best opportunities in life. Yet, you want to throw it away because having goals isn’t black enough? It’s not ‘hood’ enough?

You people make me sick.

Those are the sort of black people I pray for the most, the ones who have never struggled but seek that life because it’s glamourised in the media. You know what they don’t show you in the music videos? Living without gas or electricity because you can’t even afford that. Let me know what that feels like, since you’re so real and all.

Then there are those, like me, grew up in humble beginnings and are still there. I haven’t made it yet so I can’t say it works for all of us, but even when you change your attitude to life, you’re already winning. Don’t feel as though this is all you’re going to amount to because there is so much more the world has to offer. A human life is priceless for a reason.

I saw this on Instagram the other day, I follow this US fitspo babe who recently came to the UK and was astounded by the blatant racism in West End Nightclubs. While I found this appalling, it’s sad that black people just do not help themselves. If someone steps on your shoe at the club, just relax, if 500 people are crammed into one club… drunk? Someone’s shoes is bound to get scuffed. Another thing with this black community, especially my generation is that a lot of these ‘mandem’ go all the way from their homes to go out, spend about £400 for a table just to watch other ‘mandem’ and then the fights kick off.

WHY?

I’m sorry, I wouldn’t even pay £10 to go all the way somewhere to watch other people unless I was watching a movie — Even then unless it’s 2 for 1, I’ll stay at home and watch something on Netflix.

Everybody knows about American black history to some extent, but what about ours here in the UK? Can anyone tell me anything about the struggle of residing in London? Nope, didn’t think so. Why are we so worried about things in the US, when our struggle is real, right here, in the UK? I know it’s because the only things we can watch and relate to on screen are American television shows dedicated to the working class black person, but honestly, why would you want to identify with those ingrates on ‘Love & Hip Hop’, ‘Bad Girls Club’ or other trash being broadcasted worldwide? Is that the sort of representation we want to relate to? Being somebody’s babydaddy/mama and black men cheating on their ‘main’ with several people because it’s ‘in their nature’?

You know why black people have been oppressed throughout history? We are genetically stronger, faster, better senses and bigger brains. We are genetically meant for better things. Who won the most Gold for the UK? Someone from African descent. We have created several significant musical genres throughout history, we inspire fashion and others who want to be like us, yet we are still being oppressed.

There’s no such thing as urban music in the UK. Just because a black person is rapping over an electronic synth in my opinion is not urban. Look who are pioneers of UK urban music (according to the rest of the general public)… NDubz, LOL. Two greek cousins and their mixed race friend who was rarely in the spotlight, what’s his name again? Faded?

There has been no popular ongoing television shows dedicated to our community since Desmond’s. There is nothing in the British media showcasing how our community (well most) have bettered themselves. We all know this and yet conform to the bullshit. UKIP are gaining serious popularity, videos of UKIP supporters being completely racist have gone viral and what are we doing as a community to stop UKIP gaining more power? What is anybody doing to stop this from happening? Get your heads out of the ghetto sand and realise the worst is yet to come.

Modern Warfare: Looking for Love in 2015?

I turned 24 last week, and as the initial excitement faded, I looked at the people around me. They looked so serene with their loved ones. Being born on Valentine’s day can be a real bitch. As I get older more and more of my friends are doing things with their significant other and although I have no problem with that, when you’re one of the few who are still single and happy (most of the time) you kind of feel shitted on. Something is missing in my life and I’m not quite sure what it is.

Is it a MAN?

Last year I spent the majority of my time with someone I thought was ‘the one’. In that brief moment of insanity I lost myself, gaining weight, not putting myself first only to be terribly disappointed when this certain someone actually displayed his true colours in a typical fashion. When things got tough he proceeded to be one of the most selfish, self absorbed individuals I have ever met. Phew! Jesus fixed that situation for me and I can safely say I am a much better person for it. Thank you boo.

I looked at my friends, parading their relationships to the public as if a relationship is an accomplishment, and unfortunately, in this day and age it is one.

In my humble opinion, men standards for women are insanely high and women’s expectations of men are obscenely low.

I know considering I was part of that large majority of women who think having a man will make you happy. From a young age , women have been made to feel as if when you find your ‘prince’ you will live happily ever after. Those subliminal messages solidified in our brains, growing up thinking a man will be the end of your hardships and your insecurities, when in reality, having a relationship is one of the most hardest challenges we will face.

Women generally love the idea of a boyfriend, but don’t really care for the boy. I see it, in some of my own friends, declaring it on social media for the world to see but in fact are some of the most miserable gits on this planet.

Then there are the others who wait all their life for a man, thinking this one man (poor sod) they have put on a pedestal will fix them. No honey, Lauryn Hill said it best;

“how you gon’ win if you ain’t right within”

These women I truly feel the most pity for.

However, I can’t pretend like our whole generation is doomed, there are a few rare roses that bloom.

Men have a similar affliction, men feel now more than ever they should be the ‘hero’, to save a damsel in distress in times of need and unfortunately in a society where equality exists its getting harder and harder for a man to save a woman. Enter the world of the ‘video vixen’.

In the glamourised world of strippers and Instagram models, men are putting their testosterone to good use, settling down with strippers and video girls (or those who aspire to be) in hopes they can use their superhero powers, swoop in and save these poor unfortunate souls. Sadly, now that women can earn a very high income by learning how to booty clap, these men are being tossed to the side, these women are searching for the highest bidder and not the average Joe.

But what about the other good women who would gladly have a Joe than a Drake? They are now squatting like their lives depends on it, lowering their standards to get shown a little bit of love. A woman will gladly allow a man to come to her home, cook for him, let him have his way with her in hopes of getting a text the next day. Rather than a man to show affection and general interest in the female, they don’t have to anymore. The ‘good girl’, is no longer an aspiration in a partner, the ‘bad bitch’ who is spinning around the pole is wifey.

I mean why not? People like Kim Kardashian who has been globally degraded, now runs a multi million dollar empire. Amber Rose, a former stripper, hit the jackpot with beaus such as Kanye West and Wiz Khalifa. These are the sort of women our generation are getting exposed to. Don’t get me wrong I like both of these women for entertainment value obviously, but are they my role models? HAHAHA no silly.

However, it would be stupid to think all men are trash, I happen to know and care for some of the most upstanding males, giving me a great idea in what to look for, if I ever decide to take a look seriously.

So is it a man I’m really looking for? In some ways yes. Biologically i’ve hit that age when I should’ve been popping out some babies and I’ve noticed how I react to babies now too, I’m a mess. Babies have never been so adorable to me, it makes me feel like I should have my own… Then I look away eventually and realise what a terrible thought that was. A baby? No thanks.

My mum told me the other day I should go to church and find a husband. Bless her, she still has high hopes for the human race, even more so in religion. Little does she know what this generation of men have to offer.

As much as I would love to meet someone and start a family I know in my heart, its just not in the cards for me. I want someone to love and respect me as the person I am, be proactive in my life and vice versa. We should make each other great, not worse. Based on that alone, I’m doomed. Plus I refuse to lower my standards on what I want in a man or lower my self worth for some loser who doesn’t even know what their purpose is in life.

If you know me you know I stare at myself a whole lot, I mean i’m no Meagan Good, but I think I’m awesome. the other day I was doing my usual 300 selfies before uni thing I do religiously (sorry guys, especially my snapchat friends) and as I stared at my fabulous contour I realised what was missing… Not a man, but a lack of accomplishment. I want to change the world, make a difference, theres so much more to life than starting a family but making my children’s future better. I want to be able to take care of my family and provide a platform for others to do the same for theirs.

Maybe along the way I will meet someone who will share my vision but until then, I will and have been the happiest I’ve ever been, alone.